Rwanda 1/27/11

"How do you sleep while the rest of us cry? How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye” This quote is an accurate description of my week so far. For lack of a better word, I have been quite depressed this week. At the orphanage the mothers are very cruel to the children. They all walk around with sticks and use them frequently. It literally makes me sick to see kids as young as 2 get hit. Synnøve said she even saw a mother spit on one of the 4 year olds. The way I see it these children have been abandoned in one way or another, and feel a sense of being unwanted. Instead if getting the emotional support and love they need, they get beaten down over, and over again. The worst thing is I feel so inadequate and unable to do anything. I try hard to give individual attention and love to the children, but when I'm only at the orphanage a little bit every week and there are close to

600 children, it is almost impossible. Everyday that I am there, as I cuddle and play with a child I think to myself: today I hope my love is enough.
I can attest that when doing the HIV testing in the lab, and I see a test come up positive, I get a feeling of pure dread. It was especially devastating this time because the woman was pregnant, and came to get tested because her husband cheated on her. How do you tell a pregnant woman she is positive? How do you tell her that her child has a good chance of being positive as well? How do you tell her that she shouldn't breastfeed her baby even though you know she has no other option? How do you tell her she won't live long enough to see her baby grow up and start a family of their own? How do you say that their child may never get that chance? The answer is, no matter how it's said it will be some of the hardest words you ever have to speak.