Sweet Time of Grieving

        I never intended for this blog to be one in which I talked about “feelings” all the time, but I suppose that is what has been on my mind these past few months.  It is safe to say that I am a broken being right now.  I’ve been wallowing in self-pity this last little while, but now it is time to be tough again and live my life in accordance to my biggest inspiration; “In the fell clutch of circumstance, I have not winced nor cried aloud.  Under the bludgeonings of chance, my head is bloody, but unbowed.”  I have gone through all the stages of pain: Sadness, anger, bitterness, blaming myself.  No matter how much I focused on these I never found solace in any of them. This person hurt me, but when I look at the big picture I am thankful they inflicted this on me, and I was not the one who did it to them.  Maybe it is selfish but I would much rather suffer than know I had made another feel like this. 

            While talking to my mother she fed the famous line, “it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”  I know this to be true.  She also gave me the advice of- I can’t rely on others for my happiness.  My fortune cookie is even trying to point me into the right direction- your good nature will bring you happiness.

            So it is clear that I am on to bigger and better things than being sad about my life.  I have decided to put together a list of goals for myself:

• Start dancing again
• Join a fencing gym
• Practice, practice, practice until I have perfect German, and French
• Become certified to teach yoga
• Start designing again, and get my look book put together
• Stick to my daily work out schedule and get to the point that I’m proud of my body
• Fill out my application to be on The Amazing Race 
• Have a solid repertoire including-
• Prelude in C Sharp Minor by Sergei Rachmaninoff
• Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy
• The Swan by Camille Saint-Saens
• Turkish March by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
• Song of India Rimsky Korsakov 

Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave. Please don't keep them, hidden away.

Lately I have lost sight of who I am.  It’s easy to get lost and turned around in a world like ours.  I was categorically kicked when I was down; I feel like I am 30 feet under water, and kicking my way to the surface. I’ve forgotten where I’ve been, and how far I’ve come. I may not be the strongest person yet, but I am getting there.  I have undergone a huge change in myself these past few years.  I had to learn lessons the hard way because I was too stubborn to listen to anyone else.  I learned that I can’t just manipulate, and walk all over people to what I get what I want.  Chris once told me that I’m a clever girl who knows exactly what I want, and how to get it.  Maybe that’s true but I got to a point in my life where I was ashamed of who I was, and knew a metamorphosis was necessary to redeem myself in this life.

I realized that I didn’t want to be remembered as the girl everyone was jealous of because she had it all; I want to be remembered as the girl that would stop what she was doing to run to the aid of broken friend.  I want to be remembered as the girl who never spoke negatively about anyone.  The bottom line is, I want to be a good person.  I no longer wanted to inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of my own happiness or satisfaction. I’ve learned true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which I obtain by serving others, and opening my heart to all.

People who know me now are often shocked to find out about past mistakes, or don’t believe me when I tell them about my previous character-or lack thereof.  Those who have known me for a while however I still feel are cautious around me, and I fear they still see the old Margot.  I realize I cannot control the way people view me, I can only do my best to show them a girl who is unselfish, kind, and charitable. 

I Made Dinner. (No It's Not the Apocalypse)

Before yesterday I couldn't even cook mac&cheese right.


        My dear sweet boyfriend had the notion that he needs to get me ready to be a cute little wife, so he sent me one of his favorite recipes and asked if I would try to make it.  It was a Lemon Chicken, with Mushroom Sauce.  He also enclosed a score card for someone to fill out.  It included questions like: How cute did Margot look while preparing and serving the food?  How many screams or shouts of anger came from the kitchen? Were the noodles aldanté? How lemony was the chicken?  How long until Margot could be persuaded upon to cook again? How long would it take Margot's husband to put the kitchen back in order and wash the dishes after the meal?  Bless him.
        I decided to bring the meal over for Chirs's parents to try.  Mistake #1, his mother informed me that it was her recipe.  She is an absolute amazing chef so that just added more pressure to it. Long story short, the dinner turned out shockingly delectable.  Chris's mother even said it was better than hers.  Maybe I do have a few qualities to be a good wife.

Happy National Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night

        My father has been relentlessly trying to get these people kicked out of our neighborhood, so he makes weekly trips to the city of Provo zoning office to speak to Mr. Bennett.  He tells my father he is busy, and is working on it.  On his most frequent visit, he found Mr. Bennett hard at work picking zucchini from the office planters.  (They decided to grow vegetables instead of flowers this year.)  Tax payers money hard at work.

Awkward Moments Define My Life

        I work as a hostess at Romano's Macaroni Grill.  I was trying to make small talk with a couple as I brought them back to their table-I asked if they were celebrating anything special.  The man said,  "We're celebrating getting through another day of marriage."  "You don't know how bad it is yet, but you will someday."

       I will not marry a man unless I know that I will enjoy, and be thankful for everyday I get to spend with him, and not "just get through it." 

Take These Broken Wings and Learn to Fly

For quite some time now I have contemplated starting a blog.  I suppose the close of an era of my life is the perfect time to start writing.   The summer of 2010 was a varied one.  I had hard lessons learned, friends lost, and friends gained.  Laughs, and many, many tears.  My life has always been mapped out for me, and now most of that has fallen to pieces.  This summer was about finding myself, and making the big decisions that will determine the rest of my life.  I made lots of mistakes, but have no regrets. Let's face it, life is tough! We live in a time of uncertainty and confusion as well as much suffering. Bad things do happen to good people and good things do happen to bad people. Those two truths must be accepted before one can ever find peace. So here’s to many more summers, and many more lessons to be learned.