No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

I am going to write the kind of blog post I would love to read-the kind that is really putting it all out there. It has been no secret that the past year of my life has not been a pleasure cruise. I usually keep personal details of my life to myself and maybe to 1 or 2 of my closest friends, so most do not know anything I have been dealing with. Because of the hard hits I have taken this year my self-confidence has severally dropped. I did not realize quite how bad it was until my best friend slammed it in my face today, and I realize it is critical to change.
I often look at myself and wonder where has that girl gone who was happy all the time? Where is the girl who was always smiling, and nobody ever heard her say an unkind word to anyone? Where has that girl disappeared to who loved life and thought she was on top of the world? At times I don’t even recognize myself, and want desperately for the old Margot to re-appear. So I have a plan, I will bring her back. But this time she will be new and improved and much stronger so she never has to feel this again.
1. Today I decided to make a list of things I loved about myself. (Cheesy I know but it seems appropriate in my state) I listed two things, and could not think of a single other thing. SERIOUS PROBLEM. I texted my best friend Julie and told her without any explanation that I couldn’t name more than 2 things I love about myself. Without asking why I was making such a list, or thinking it strange, she replied asking if she could tell me some things she loves about me. With in the next minute my inbox was flooded with over ten things she loves about me. Some examples: Sense of humor, perfect teeth, the gift I have with the piano, she loves watching and talking to me while I put my make up on and do my hair, how brave I was to go to Africa, how I support her anything she chooses, and my strength. I know it is absolutely PATHTIC but I need to be reminded of such things frequently especially by those I love. It made me able to carry on with my own list, a few are: I love how passionate I am. If I set my mind to doing something I love IT WILL GET DONE, and be perfect. I get very passionate about people, causes, and projects. I passionately love people, and will support and love them till the bitter end no matter how many times they hurt me. I love how affectionate I am. I love to sit close to people, I hold my little brothers hand constantly, and not to mention all the love and affection I smother Laurent with. My favorite feeling in the world is cuddling a small child and feeling their fingers wrapped around mine. I love how organized I am and my ability to multi-task. Without this I would be lost at my job, and school. Lastly, I love that I can cry like a baby while listening to beautiful opera music.
2. Why in the world shouldn’t I be happy? I feel like so many people think happiness is some gift they need to earn. I recently came across this quote that has change my outlook considerably. “People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you are fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it.” We all know that I saw my fair share of pain and suffering in Rwanda. People who had watch their whole family murdered before their eyes-yet a smile never left their face. They never hesitated to welcome me in to their home; they never stopped singing and dancing. They are truly a beautiful example to me. If they can be happy, why not me?
3. Body Image. I realize this portion of my entry will be shallow. Having a parasite is one of the worst things that could have happened to me. It made me starving for junk food all the time. It stole all the nutrients from my body leaving me with the bad that caused me to gain weight. Constant stomach bloating is also a symptom. I have always been very careful with my body to keep it fit, sexy and healthy. So sudden weight gain, and a flabby tummy made me want to die. I have been working out tons lately, and slowly but surely I am getting my old body back. Not to say I was ever fat or overweight, but not having my model body has been devastating to me. It has caused me to never want to wear anything but sweatpants and made me hate myself every time I looked in the mirror. I really think the endorphins of working out have been helpful to me.
4. How to fix the problem. This will be a long, life long process. First and foremost I will stop making excuses/apologies for who I am. I am one of the most unique people you will ever meet, and that makes me special. Every day I will force negative thoughts out of my head. I will do some act of service for another EVERYDAY. Stop telling myself I don’t deserve things; I deserve to be happy and feeling wonderful. Doing all of these things will make my friendships stronger, my relationship with Laurent better, and most importantly I will love myself. "Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend."
I know I will need a lot of love and encouragement to complete my journey of being someone I can love and share with others for the rest of my life. I know I must love myself and accept who I am and fully be what I am, then, when I am back my simple presence can make others happy.